A story

Sandy and Dave entered the woman's house carrying their medical equipment on the ambulance stretcher. They had been sent by the 911 dispatcher for a woman about to deliver. As a paramedic, delivering a baby was something Sandy had always dreamed of doing, but it had never happened. She soon realized it wouldn't be happening this time either. These circumstances were different from any previous call.

They found Susan sitting on the toilet in the bathroom crying. Susan was sixteen weeks along in this pregnancy, her longest one yet. Her previous pregnancies had always ended in a miscarriage. Because this one had gotten further along, Susan had desperately hoped her baby would make it. This, however, was devastating to her. Susan's doctor had said that a miscarriage was possible due to the tumor inside her uterus, but Susan had hoped her doctor would be wrong.

Susan had felt the need to urinate, but when she sat down on the toilet, the fetus came out. As Susan stood, the fetus was lifted from the toilet and wrapped in a clean towel. The umbilical cord was clamped and cut, but unfortunately, it was already dead. It was too small and too young for Sandy and Dave to be able to make an attempt to save its life. Susan was assisted to the ambulance stretcher, and once secured, Sandy and Dave moved her to the ambulance.

En route to the emergency room, Sandy checked Susan's blood pressure and heart rate, listened to her breathing, and then inserted an IV into a vein in her arm to give her some fluid. It was a quiet ride to the emergency room, but Sandy did what she could to console her.

Susan was wheeled into the emergency room on the stretcher. Once in a room, Sandy helped her get comfortable in the hospital bed. Sandy told the nurse what had happened. Then, the nurse asked Sandy to put the fetus's body into a small container which could be found in the supply room. As she was doing this, she couldn't help but be amazed at the small, delicate, detailed features already visible on the tiny corpse. There were fingers and toes and even eyes, nose, and a mouth. It looked just like a baby, only much smaller in size.

Sandy's heart began to break as her mind raced back to a few years earlier. She had been dating a guy she met at work for about three months, when she told Josh that she was pregnant. He became angry and told Sandy her only option was to have an abortion. He threatened her saying he would leave if she decided to have the baby.

Sandy knew she didn't want to have the abortion, but she was afraid of being alone. She was afraid of raising a child on her own. "How would she afford a baby by herself" she had wondered. She was afraid of the judgment and criticism she would be sure to receive from her family, especially from her parents. She had felt lost, afraid, and alone. So she had given into Josh and agreed to have the abortion.

Josh drove her to the clinic that fateful day to make sure she went through with the procedure. The staff told Sandy that what was inside of her was just a blob of tissue and wasn't really a baby yet. Sandy knew that what they told her wasn't true, because it really was a baby. But allowing herself to believe what they had said somehow made it more bearable to go through with having it done.

Lying on the cold hard table in the white sterile room, Sandy forced herself to think of something else...her trip to Disney World for her sixteenth birthday, hiking in the mountains, the trip to the beach she was planning to take, anything. But just then, she felt a searing pain inside her and screamed out. Sandy heard the doctor as he told her to lay still. The nurse pushed her back down on the table. She heard the noise of the vacuum as the doctor worked. The procedure was over after several minutes. In time the physical pain went away, but was replaced with emptiness.

As Dave pushed open the door of the supply room, the door hit Sandy in her shoulder. "Oh sorry" Dave said. "Why are you in here?" he asked. Sandy mumbled a reply, grabbed the container she had placed the fetus in, and rushed out.

Sandy left the container with the nurse, then walked outside for some fresh air. She had to gain control of her thoughts and emotions and it had to be done quickly. She couldn't be falling apart in front of her co-workers. They couldn't know about this. Nobody could.

She was angry at the clinic staff for saying it was just a blob of tissue. The staff seemed to have told her whatever it took just to get her money. She had been told having an abortion would solve her problem. Life would go on just as it had been. They hadn't been concerned about her or her baby. This woman's baby, who had been transported, had been perfectly formed. There had been nothing about it that had been just a blob.

She was angry at Josh for threatening her and then trapping her into having the abortion. He should have been a man and accepted responsibility. Instead, he had pressured her into what had seemed to be the easy solution, but in reality, had been a nightmare. After the abortion, he had dumped her and moved on.

She was angry at her family. Her parents had treated a cousin very harshly when she had become pregnant and had decided to parent her baby. Sandy had been afraid that her parents judgment and criticism would be much worse considering she was their daughter and not just a niece. Her parents had always been more concerned about the image they felt they needed to uphold than for their children's emotional well-being. Sandy had never felt that she had been good enough for her parents. Even her career choice of being a paramedic had been received with strong disapproval from her parents. Because of this, she felt she couldn't tell her parents of her pregnancy, and now, her abortion.

Sandy was angry at herself because she hadn't protected her baby. "Wasn't that what a mother was supposed to do for her child?" Sandy thought. She hadn't stood up to Josh and hadn't stood up for herself, even though she had always wanted to be a mother. Although the circumstances wouldn't have been ideal, still she had thrown that opportunity away. "If only she could go back" Sandy thought. Even now, years later, she still dealt with feelings of guilt, anger, and shame. Once more, she had to find a way to push these memories and feelings away.

Just then, Dave came outside. "Hey, are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine" Sandy replied.

"Good, because we have another call. Its for chest pain." Dave said. "Come on, lets go."