A story

Sandy and Dave entered the woman's house carrying their medical equipment on the ambulance stretcher. They had been sent by the 911 dispatcher for a woman about to deliver. As a paramedic, delivering a baby was something Sandy had always dreamed of doing, but it had never happened. She soon realized it wouldn't be happening this time either. These circumstances were different from any previous call.

They found Susan sitting on the toilet in the bathroom crying. Susan was sixteen weeks along in this pregnancy, her longest one yet. Her previous pregnancies had always ended in a miscarriage. Because this one had gotten further along, Susan had desperately hoped her baby would make it. This, however, was devastating to her. Susan's doctor had said that a miscarriage was possible due to the tumor inside her uterus, but Susan had hoped her doctor would be wrong.

Susan had felt the need to urinate, but when she sat down on the toilet, the fetus came out. As Susan stood, the fetus was lifted from the toilet and wrapped in a clean towel. The umbilical cord was clamped and cut, but unfortunately, it was already dead. It was too small and too young for Sandy and Dave to be able to make an attempt to save its life. Susan was assisted to the ambulance stretcher, and once secured, Sandy and Dave moved her to the ambulance.

En route to the emergency room, Sandy checked Susan's blood pressure and heart rate, listened to her breathing, and then inserted an IV into a vein in her arm to give her some fluid. It was a quiet ride to the emergency room, but Sandy did what she could to console her.

Susan was wheeled into the emergency room on the stretcher. Once in a room, Sandy helped her get comfortable in the hospital bed. Sandy told the nurse what had happened. Then, the nurse asked Sandy to put the fetus's body into a small container which could be found in the supply room. As she was doing this, she couldn't help but be amazed at the small, delicate, detailed features already visible on the tiny corpse. There were fingers and toes and even eyes, nose, and a mouth. It looked just like a baby, only much smaller in size.

Sandy's heart began to break as her mind raced back to a few years earlier. She had been dating a guy she met at work for about three months, when she told Josh that she was pregnant. He became angry and told Sandy her only option was to have an abortion. He threatened her saying he would leave if she decided to have the baby.

Sandy knew she didn't want to have the abortion, but she was afraid of being alone. She was afraid of raising a child on her own. "How would she afford a baby by herself" she had wondered. She was afraid of the judgment and criticism she would be sure to receive from her family, especially from her parents. She had felt lost, afraid, and alone. So she had given into Josh and agreed to have the abortion.

Josh drove her to the clinic that fateful day to make sure she went through with the procedure. The staff told Sandy that what was inside of her was just a blob of tissue and wasn't really a baby yet. Sandy knew that what they told her wasn't true, because it really was a baby. But allowing herself to believe what they had said somehow made it more bearable to go through with having it done.

Lying on the cold hard table in the white sterile room, Sandy forced herself to think of something else...her trip to Disney World for her sixteenth birthday, hiking in the mountains, the trip to the beach she was planning to take, anything. But just then, she felt a searing pain inside her and screamed out. Sandy heard the doctor as he told her to lay still. The nurse pushed her back down on the table. She heard the noise of the vacuum as the doctor worked. The procedure was over after several minutes. In time the physical pain went away, but was replaced with emptiness.

As Dave pushed open the door of the supply room, the door hit Sandy in her shoulder. "Oh sorry" Dave said. "Why are you in here?" he asked. Sandy mumbled a reply, grabbed the container she had placed the fetus in, and rushed out.

Sandy left the container with the nurse, then walked outside for some fresh air. She had to gain control of her thoughts and emotions and it had to be done quickly. She couldn't be falling apart in front of her co-workers. They couldn't know about this. Nobody could.

She was angry at the clinic staff for saying it was just a blob of tissue. The staff seemed to have told her whatever it took just to get her money. She had been told having an abortion would solve her problem. Life would go on just as it had been. They hadn't been concerned about her or her baby. This woman's baby, who had been transported, had been perfectly formed. There had been nothing about it that had been just a blob.

She was angry at Josh for threatening her and then trapping her into having the abortion. He should have been a man and accepted responsibility. Instead, he had pressured her into what had seemed to be the easy solution, but in reality, had been a nightmare. After the abortion, he had dumped her and moved on.

She was angry at her family. Her parents had treated a cousin very harshly when she had become pregnant and had decided to parent her baby. Sandy had been afraid that her parents judgment and criticism would be much worse considering she was their daughter and not just a niece. Her parents had always been more concerned about the image they felt they needed to uphold than for their children's emotional well-being. Sandy had never felt that she had been good enough for her parents. Even her career choice of being a paramedic had been received with strong disapproval from her parents. Because of this, she felt she couldn't tell her parents of her pregnancy, and now, her abortion.

Sandy was angry at herself because she hadn't protected her baby. "Wasn't that what a mother was supposed to do for her child?" Sandy thought. She hadn't stood up to Josh and hadn't stood up for herself, even though she had always wanted to be a mother. Although the circumstances wouldn't have been ideal, still she had thrown that opportunity away. "If only she could go back" Sandy thought. Even now, years later, she still dealt with feelings of guilt, anger, and shame. Once more, she had to find a way to push these memories and feelings away.

Just then, Dave came outside. "Hey, are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine" Sandy replied.

"Good, because we have another call. Its for chest pain." Dave said. "Come on, lets go."

Feelings! Yuck!

Overwhelmed. Frustration.
Anger. Irritation. Guilt.
Heaviness. Deep sadness.
Feelings hurt. Go away.

Work. My sister. Parents.
Abortions. Uncle.
Being single and alone.
Painful memories. Go away.

I built up a wall around me.
Its tall and thick for protection.
Keeps out the pain.
Loneliness. Go away;

Love me still? Right!

To love means to use me
In ways that hurt.
Love. Go away.

I'm afraid. Afraid to love.
Afraid to be loved.
Afraid to open myself up.
Fear. Go away.

Digging up the Darkness

Digging up the past
The crud that I've buried,
The memories and emotions;
It hurts to remember again.

I know its so very lonely.
But its easier and less painful
To keep it buried deep,
Down where I won't remember.

I've learned how to handle it
Keeping it all away.
Its what is comforting
In a familiar sort of way.

Facing the events of whats happened
Brings up emotions that I've ignored
And memories I'd rather forget
Then to live them again.

The little girl inside would
Rather find a deep, dark corner
In which to hide and to wait
For the pain and feelings to disappear.

For although the darkness is lonely,
It feels safe. In the darkness,
No one sees the guilt and pain
In the little girl's eyes.

In the darkness she can hide
No one will ask questions or
Wonder why she is there.
They don't know it happened.

She was surrounded by people
Who cared, yet no one protected her.
In her deep pain, the darkness
Holds and comforts her.

My Teddy Bear

You sit on my pillow
Sometimes I take you along,
But at night in my bed
I hold you very tight.

In your ear I've whispered
My little girl secrets and fears.
I've told you my darkest secrets
That nobody else knows.

After it happens, I lay on my bed
And squeeze you tight.
I'm scared, but can't tell
Anyone except you.

No one can hear me cry,
So I bury my face into you.
You let me cry
And soak up my tears.

I wipe my face;
Take a deep breath;
For I must go out and play
As if nothing happened at all.

My Precious Daughter

Where are you my darling?
Why are you hiding from Me?
I want you to come to Me,
I love you with an everlasting love.

I see you hiding there,
In the dark, lonely corner.
You hide in fear
From those around you.

I see your bleeding heart,
Your tear-stained face,
Your broken dreams,
Your devastating sorrow.

I have seen you struggle on,
Trying to make ends meet,
Attempting to fill the
Emptiness you feel inside.

I've watched as you've built
The walls around your heart;
Trying to protect yourself and
Making your heart impenetrable.

Don't you see, My beloved?
I want to heal your wounded soul.
Allow Me to come into the
Fortress built around your heart.

Put down your defenses and
Allow My healing balm to
Enter the crevasses deep
Within your heart.

Open the door to your heart
And I will come in.
Trust in Me as your Strength
And Defender and Healer.

You are My precious daughter,
My beautiful bride, My princess,
My masterpiece. My love
For you is never ending.

Buried in the Deepest Sea

Jesus, can we ask a question?
There's something we wonder,
And wish to know. Why are we here?
Where is our Mommy?

Come here my children, and as
He held them in His arms, He said
"One day you will see your Mommy
She will hold you in her arms."

She has much to learn right now.
Like knowing how much I love her
And learning to forgive herself
Just as I have forgiven her.

Can we see our Mommy down on earth
Just for a minute or two?
Jesus smiled and with His hand
Rolled back the clouds, so they could see.

Mommy is crying. Jesus,
Why is she so sad?
Her heart aches, for she's
Been through many things.

What happened Jesus to make
Us be here and her down there?
I don't remember, my children.
Its been buried in the deepest sea.

Jesus? Can you tell her something?
Can you tell her we love her?
Will you give her a hug from us?
So that she will smile again.

In Your Mother's Womb

The call came out
A mother in need
Delivering her baby at home
But much too early.

I didn't see you,
Didn't have to look,
But something inside
Had to know if it was true.

The clinic had told me
"It wasn't a baby, just tissue"
"It wasn't yet a life, really"
But the pictures show differently.

I knew there was a baby
Those times I went to the clinic.
It was easier and less painful
To believe what they had said.

So at the ER that night,
I had to see for myself
What you were really like
And that yes, you were really a life.

You were formed so perfectly,
Your little fingers and toes,
You were so little, so precious
Yet so delicate and beautiful.

It hurts so much to think
That I let my little ones go
Its been four years now,
But still think of them everyday

How Can You Forgive Me?

For one reason or another
I've never been good enough,
Never quite reaching the goal
Of being who they wanted me to be.

So when it comes to forgiveness,
Especially for my abortions,
I find it hard to believe
All I have to do is ask.

How can you forgive someone
When they've made the same choice
To make the same mistake
More than once?

It would make sense that You'd be angry
At someone who ended a child's life.
For your own Son was killed
By selfish, arrogant men.

But instead of anger and hate
You love me unconditionally.
You knew the decisions I'd make
Yet, You still died for me.

You know all the hurt and pain
Yet, when most people would turn away
For some odd reason,
You are still here, waiting.

You know my darkest secrets
My deepest fears, my hidden thoughts.
You know every little detail
And You still want a relationship.

At times, I want to know more.
Why would You bother with me?
Other times, I'm afraid to trust,
But wonder if its really possible.

A Dream

Laying in the grass, relaxing
The sunshine beating down.
A slight breeze across the pond.
I fall asleep dreaming.

I'm deep in the woods.
The path is rocky and uneven.
Its dark and creepy.
I feel afraid and alone.

I stumble along wondering
If I'm going in the right direction.
After what seems like forever,
I see light in the distance.

As I walk closer,
The darkness fades away.
I stand in the clearing
Blocking my eyes from the bright sun.

I hear child-like giggles near by.
Reaching the top of a hill,
I see a group of children
Playing and laughing.

Theres a man with them.
He seems so gentle and caring.
Yet strong and comforting
There is love in His eyes.

The children sit in the grass listening
To Him as He talks to them.
He holds a little girl in His arms
As He talks softly to her.

Quietly, I try to get closer
Wanting to hear what He is saying.
But before I can get close,
He looks up right into my eyes.

He stood up taking two children
In His arms, with a third
Holding tight onto His leg.
They walked towards me.

I was afraid to look at Him.
He reached up and wiped
My tears away with
His gentle hand.

The children ran to me
Putting their arms around me.
"I love you, Mommy"
They all said to me.

I hugged them tight, not
Wanting this moment to end.
Cherishing this time of
Having them in my arms.

A loud crash of thunder
Woke me from my sleep.
I looked for my children,
But my arms were empty.

Tears came as I realized,
This was only a dream.
But one day, maybe soon,
Would be a dream come true.

Baby Call

Our time together was short
You stopped breathing while in
Your mother's arms and
Someone called 911.

You were rushed to my ambulance
And was laid lifeless on the cot.
CPR was continued.
Come on little one, don't go, not yet.

You are so young, life has just begun..
Your family has just started
To get to know who you are.
They have big dreams for you.

It was early morning
As we raced to the ER.
In those short three minutes
We did all that we could.

Into the ER you went
Doctor and nurses worked.
Hoping, praying your little heart
Would start beating again.

An hour had passed by
The glimmer of hope was fading.
IV, drugs, Oxygen, monitor
Still nothing had changed.

Your family was there when
The doctor said to stop.
Your mother cried "No!"
Wanting you back.

Out in the hall, a nurse cried.
An overwhelming sadness,
Heavy hearts. After doing everything
Possible, you were gone.

Being a paramedic, I'm
Supposed to save lives, its
What I'm trained to do.
But I couldn't save you.

God has a bigger plan and purpose,
Sometimes I don't understand
For whatever the reason
He took you home to heaven.

So little man, you will never have to face
The troubles and trials of life.
What better place could you be.
Merry Christmas little one.

House Fire

One day up in heaven,
An angel carried an armful
Of broken pieces to God.

"Whats this?" God asked the angel.
"A paramedic’s broken heart"
The angel replied.

I found it this morning
She was walking home and
Threw these at me. She looked upset.
But I didn’t get to ask what happened.

God looked knowingly at the angel.
She had a hard call last night
And two children came home
Early this morning.

"Why do you do that to her?" asked the angel.
She’s been through this before,
Why not give her a break?

"Because My will is perfect," said God.
Yes it is, agreed the angel.
Then why not make a paramedic
Without emotions, one who’s heart won’t break?

Because then some of My children
Would go through life never
Knowing love or that someone,
Even a paramedic cares for them.

"She wasn’t alone on that call"
God told the angel.
I was there beside her
Throughout the night.

I was there as she worked
Quickly on the young girl
Who had been burned
In the house fire.

I was there holding her hand
As the news came that
There was no hope for the
Two children still in the burning house.

I was there as she held the grandmother,
Who had just learned the awful news,
About her two grandsons;
I held her up and gave her strength.

Remember, I made her for a purpose
And for that purpose I will see her through.
She is stronger than she may look
Because it is My hands that hold her together.