My Precious Child,
I cannot tell you right now why I allow these things to happen, why I allow a 3 month old boy to die. You would not understand right now if I were to tell you. Just trust in Me. I will take care of you. I will help you. I will comfort you. I will give you strength. Whatever I ask of you, I am beside you walking with you through it. I will bring good from what looks like a bad situation to you.
You have had many obstacles, but nothing is too big for Me. I love you the way you are. Nothing you can do will ever change that. Your past is a part of the package, but your past is not who you are today or who I created you to be. But if you allow Me to, I will use you to help others and take you to places to use your past for good.
I know you are struggling, but allow Me to help you. As I was with you in the past, I am with you now. You didn't know me then, but I was there. I loved you even then. As a little girl lying in your bed hugging your teddy bear, I wrapped my arms around you singing to you as you fell asleep. I dried your tears. The thing that made you cry made me very angry. It did not go unnoticed and I am taking care of it.
I was there as you grew up and your heart became harder towards me. I still loved you. Those times you went to the clinic, I never left you. I held your hand as you screamed out in pain. I welcomed each of your children home. I have loved them. They are well taken care of.
So my girl, I want you to remember one thing: I have forgiven you the first time you asked. You can't earn my forgiveness. You have it because you asked. Its time to forgive yourself and give your past to Me. Its time you have the peace and rest that you long for. You are in the palm of My hand. My arms are wrapped around you. Nothing will ever change that. You are mine, forever. Trust Me. You are safe. I love you.
Your Dad.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Merry Christmas
Meow,
This is Titus here. Fuzzy Butt and I have taken over the letter writing this year. Mom has been busy with work and a new relationship. So if its going to get done, the man of the house had better do it.
This year had a rocky start to it with Mom starting a new job in Durham. I think theres a lot of shootings and drugs there, but I think she likes the excitement of every day being different. She also enjoys the high call volume and the higher level of skills she is able to use here in NC vs. what was available in MI. If I had my way, she would be here 24/7/365, but then I do need clean litter and food and toys. So I let her go to work. When Mom gets home, I frequently chase Fuzzy Butt just to annoy her. It works too.
So earlier this year, Mom broke up with the dude she moved here for. That was hard for her, but it did get me more hugs and loves. Just have to look on the bright side. Now, she has been getting to know David. The other week when he came over for dinner, Fuzzy Butt forgot she was timid and never hid. She really likes him. I like him too. But if this ends up to be more than just friendship, David is going to have to understand my rules. But I'll save that conversation for later.
Mom enjoys doing a lot of quilting on her days off work. Course, Fuzzy and I help too. We have to make sure she does it right and then have to test the final products. She says we are her purrrfect quality control department....whatever that means.
The weather here is awesome, although I haven't managed to get out of this apartment to be able to totally enjoy it. But there is plenty of sunshine, which I do enjoy. Someday, I will talk Mom into letting me outside, even if I do have to be on the leash.
Its been several years since Mom has actually bought a Christmas tree. The last time was before Fuzzy Butt was in our family. Anyway, she bought one last weekend. Its small and sits on top of her dresser. But its in a perfect place because I can keep an eye on it, ya know. I already walk across the dresser anyway. But oh, when she opened up the box and pulled out the tree, I was soooo excited! She says I tap dance when I'm extremely happy. But whatever you want to call it, I was a happy cat. I've missed having a tree every year....all those shinny toys to play with and the branches to climb. Shhhhh Don't tell her this, but I can't wait till she goes to work again.
Ok, well its time for another nap. Hope everyone has a Purrrrr-fectly Merry Christmas.
Titus: Fuzz, how are we supposed to end this?
Fuzzy: However humans usually do it.
Titus: Now how often do I read letters?
Fuzzy: You read Mom's mail all the time when she is gone at work.
Titus: Shhhhh, don't be telling everybody that! Ok, well, I guess I'll just do it like this.....
Sincerely The Cats:
Titus and Fuzzy Butt
This is Titus here. Fuzzy Butt and I have taken over the letter writing this year. Mom has been busy with work and a new relationship. So if its going to get done, the man of the house had better do it.
This year had a rocky start to it with Mom starting a new job in Durham. I think theres a lot of shootings and drugs there, but I think she likes the excitement of every day being different. She also enjoys the high call volume and the higher level of skills she is able to use here in NC vs. what was available in MI. If I had my way, she would be here 24/7/365, but then I do need clean litter and food and toys. So I let her go to work. When Mom gets home, I frequently chase Fuzzy Butt just to annoy her. It works too.
So earlier this year, Mom broke up with the dude she moved here for. That was hard for her, but it did get me more hugs and loves. Just have to look on the bright side. Now, she has been getting to know David. The other week when he came over for dinner, Fuzzy Butt forgot she was timid and never hid. She really likes him. I like him too. But if this ends up to be more than just friendship, David is going to have to understand my rules. But I'll save that conversation for later.
Mom enjoys doing a lot of quilting on her days off work. Course, Fuzzy and I help too. We have to make sure she does it right and then have to test the final products. She says we are her purrrfect quality control department....whatever that means.
The weather here is awesome, although I haven't managed to get out of this apartment to be able to totally enjoy it. But there is plenty of sunshine, which I do enjoy. Someday, I will talk Mom into letting me outside, even if I do have to be on the leash.
Its been several years since Mom has actually bought a Christmas tree. The last time was before Fuzzy Butt was in our family. Anyway, she bought one last weekend. Its small and sits on top of her dresser. But its in a perfect place because I can keep an eye on it, ya know. I already walk across the dresser anyway. But oh, when she opened up the box and pulled out the tree, I was soooo excited! She says I tap dance when I'm extremely happy. But whatever you want to call it, I was a happy cat. I've missed having a tree every year....all those shinny toys to play with and the branches to climb. Shhhhh Don't tell her this, but I can't wait till she goes to work again.
Ok, well its time for another nap. Hope everyone has a Purrrrr-fectly Merry Christmas.
Titus: Fuzz, how are we supposed to end this?
Fuzzy: However humans usually do it.
Titus: Now how often do I read letters?
Fuzzy: You read Mom's mail all the time when she is gone at work.
Titus: Shhhhh, don't be telling everybody that! Ok, well, I guess I'll just do it like this.....
Sincerely The Cats:
Titus and Fuzzy Butt
Monday, September 21, 2009
Daddy's Little Girl
I've tried to run and hide from You
Sure You would hate me
Afraid You too would reject me
Saying I was too dirty for You.
I saw myself as someone's leftovers
Too far used and gone for
Anyone, even You,
To truly love.
Other's said You love us all,
But I was sure that “all”
Couldn't include me.
It was impossible.
The faster I tried to run,
The deeper I tried to hide,
It seemed the more You
Came and pursued after me.
Now I understand the truth:
That I am worthwhile, I am special,
I am lovable, I am unique.
I am Your masterpiece.
The best part is that even after it all,
I can sit in Your lap with Your
Arms around me because
I am Daddy's little girl.
Friday, June 19, 2009
A story
Sandy and Dave entered the woman's house carrying their medical equipment on the ambulance stretcher. They had been sent by the 911 dispatcher for a woman about to deliver. As a paramedic, delivering a baby was something Sandy had always dreamed of doing, but it had never happened. She soon realized it wouldn't be happening this time either. These circumstances were different from any previous call.
They found Susan sitting on the toilet in the bathroom crying. Susan was sixteen weeks along in this pregnancy, her longest one yet. Her previous pregnancies had always ended in a miscarriage. Because this one had gotten further along, Susan had desperately hoped her baby would make it. This, however, was devastating to her. Susan's doctor had said that a miscarriage was possible due to the tumor inside her uterus, but Susan had hoped her doctor would be wrong.
Susan had felt the need to urinate, but when she sat down on the toilet, the fetus came out. As Susan stood, the fetus was lifted from the toilet and wrapped in a clean towel. The umbilical cord was clamped and cut, but unfortunately, it was already dead. It was too small and too young for Sandy and Dave to be able to make an attempt to save its life. Susan was assisted to the ambulance stretcher, and once secured, Sandy and Dave moved her to the ambulance.
En route to the emergency room, Sandy checked Susan's blood pressure and heart rate, listened to her breathing, and then inserted an IV into a vein in her arm to give her some fluid. It was a quiet ride to the emergency room, but Sandy did what she could to console her.
Susan was wheeled into the emergency room on the stretcher. Once in a room, Sandy helped her get comfortable in the hospital bed. Sandy told the nurse what had happened. Then, the nurse asked Sandy to put the fetus's body into a small container which could be found in the supply room. As she was doing this, she couldn't help but be amazed at the small, delicate, detailed features already visible on the tiny corpse. There were fingers and toes and even eyes, nose, and a mouth. It looked just like a baby, only much smaller in size.
Sandy's heart began to break as her mind raced back to a few years earlier. She had been dating a guy she met at work for about three months, when she told Josh that she was pregnant. He became angry and told Sandy her only option was to have an abortion. He threatened her saying he would leave if she decided to have the baby.
Sandy knew she didn't want to have the abortion, but she was afraid of being alone. She was afraid of raising a child on her own. "How would she afford a baby by herself" she had wondered. She was afraid of the judgment and criticism she would be sure to receive from her family, especially from her parents. She had felt lost, afraid, and alone. So she had given into Josh and agreed to have the abortion.
Josh drove her to the clinic that fateful day to make sure she went through with the procedure. The staff told Sandy that what was inside of her was just a blob of tissue and wasn't really a baby yet. Sandy knew that what they told her wasn't true, because it really was a baby. But allowing herself to believe what they had said somehow made it more bearable to go through with having it done.
Lying on the cold hard table in the white sterile room, Sandy forced herself to think of something else...her trip to Disney World for her sixteenth birthday, hiking in the mountains, the trip to the beach she was planning to take, anything. But just then, she felt a searing pain inside her and screamed out. Sandy heard the doctor as he told her to lay still. The nurse pushed her back down on the table. She heard the noise of the vacuum as the doctor worked. The procedure was over after several minutes. In time the physical pain went away, but was replaced with emptiness.
As Dave pushed open the door of the supply room, the door hit Sandy in her shoulder. "Oh sorry" Dave said. "Why are you in here?" he asked. Sandy mumbled a reply, grabbed the container she had placed the fetus in, and rushed out.
Sandy left the container with the nurse, then walked outside for some fresh air. She had to gain control of her thoughts and emotions and it had to be done quickly. She couldn't be falling apart in front of her co-workers. They couldn't know about this. Nobody could.
She was angry at the clinic staff for saying it was just a blob of tissue. The staff seemed to have told her whatever it took just to get her money. She had been told having an abortion would solve her problem. Life would go on just as it had been. They hadn't been concerned about her or her baby. This woman's baby, who had been transported, had been perfectly formed. There had been nothing about it that had been just a blob.
She was angry at Josh for threatening her and then trapping her into having the abortion. He should have been a man and accepted responsibility. Instead, he had pressured her into what had seemed to be the easy solution, but in reality, had been a nightmare. After the abortion, he had dumped her and moved on.
She was angry at her family. Her parents had treated a cousin very harshly when she had become pregnant and had decided to parent her baby. Sandy had been afraid that her parents judgment and criticism would be much worse considering she was their daughter and not just a niece. Her parents had always been more concerned about the image they felt they needed to uphold than for their children's emotional well-being. Sandy had never felt that she had been good enough for her parents. Even her career choice of being a paramedic had been received with strong disapproval from her parents. Because of this, she felt she couldn't tell her parents of her pregnancy, and now, her abortion.
Sandy was angry at herself because she hadn't protected her baby. "Wasn't that what a mother was supposed to do for her child?" Sandy thought. She hadn't stood up to Josh and hadn't stood up for herself, even though she had always wanted to be a mother. Although the circumstances wouldn't have been ideal, still she had thrown that opportunity away. "If only she could go back" Sandy thought. Even now, years later, she still dealt with feelings of guilt, anger, and shame. Once more, she had to find a way to push these memories and feelings away.
Just then, Dave came outside. "Hey, are you okay?" he asked.
"I'm fine" Sandy replied.
"Good, because we have another call. Its for chest pain." Dave said. "Come on, lets go."
They found Susan sitting on the toilet in the bathroom crying. Susan was sixteen weeks along in this pregnancy, her longest one yet. Her previous pregnancies had always ended in a miscarriage. Because this one had gotten further along, Susan had desperately hoped her baby would make it. This, however, was devastating to her. Susan's doctor had said that a miscarriage was possible due to the tumor inside her uterus, but Susan had hoped her doctor would be wrong.
Susan had felt the need to urinate, but when she sat down on the toilet, the fetus came out. As Susan stood, the fetus was lifted from the toilet and wrapped in a clean towel. The umbilical cord was clamped and cut, but unfortunately, it was already dead. It was too small and too young for Sandy and Dave to be able to make an attempt to save its life. Susan was assisted to the ambulance stretcher, and once secured, Sandy and Dave moved her to the ambulance.
En route to the emergency room, Sandy checked Susan's blood pressure and heart rate, listened to her breathing, and then inserted an IV into a vein in her arm to give her some fluid. It was a quiet ride to the emergency room, but Sandy did what she could to console her.
Susan was wheeled into the emergency room on the stretcher. Once in a room, Sandy helped her get comfortable in the hospital bed. Sandy told the nurse what had happened. Then, the nurse asked Sandy to put the fetus's body into a small container which could be found in the supply room. As she was doing this, she couldn't help but be amazed at the small, delicate, detailed features already visible on the tiny corpse. There were fingers and toes and even eyes, nose, and a mouth. It looked just like a baby, only much smaller in size.
Sandy's heart began to break as her mind raced back to a few years earlier. She had been dating a guy she met at work for about three months, when she told Josh that she was pregnant. He became angry and told Sandy her only option was to have an abortion. He threatened her saying he would leave if she decided to have the baby.
Sandy knew she didn't want to have the abortion, but she was afraid of being alone. She was afraid of raising a child on her own. "How would she afford a baby by herself" she had wondered. She was afraid of the judgment and criticism she would be sure to receive from her family, especially from her parents. She had felt lost, afraid, and alone. So she had given into Josh and agreed to have the abortion.
Josh drove her to the clinic that fateful day to make sure she went through with the procedure. The staff told Sandy that what was inside of her was just a blob of tissue and wasn't really a baby yet. Sandy knew that what they told her wasn't true, because it really was a baby. But allowing herself to believe what they had said somehow made it more bearable to go through with having it done.
Lying on the cold hard table in the white sterile room, Sandy forced herself to think of something else...her trip to Disney World for her sixteenth birthday, hiking in the mountains, the trip to the beach she was planning to take, anything. But just then, she felt a searing pain inside her and screamed out. Sandy heard the doctor as he told her to lay still. The nurse pushed her back down on the table. She heard the noise of the vacuum as the doctor worked. The procedure was over after several minutes. In time the physical pain went away, but was replaced with emptiness.
As Dave pushed open the door of the supply room, the door hit Sandy in her shoulder. "Oh sorry" Dave said. "Why are you in here?" he asked. Sandy mumbled a reply, grabbed the container she had placed the fetus in, and rushed out.
Sandy left the container with the nurse, then walked outside for some fresh air. She had to gain control of her thoughts and emotions and it had to be done quickly. She couldn't be falling apart in front of her co-workers. They couldn't know about this. Nobody could.
She was angry at the clinic staff for saying it was just a blob of tissue. The staff seemed to have told her whatever it took just to get her money. She had been told having an abortion would solve her problem. Life would go on just as it had been. They hadn't been concerned about her or her baby. This woman's baby, who had been transported, had been perfectly formed. There had been nothing about it that had been just a blob.
She was angry at Josh for threatening her and then trapping her into having the abortion. He should have been a man and accepted responsibility. Instead, he had pressured her into what had seemed to be the easy solution, but in reality, had been a nightmare. After the abortion, he had dumped her and moved on.
She was angry at her family. Her parents had treated a cousin very harshly when she had become pregnant and had decided to parent her baby. Sandy had been afraid that her parents judgment and criticism would be much worse considering she was their daughter and not just a niece. Her parents had always been more concerned about the image they felt they needed to uphold than for their children's emotional well-being. Sandy had never felt that she had been good enough for her parents. Even her career choice of being a paramedic had been received with strong disapproval from her parents. Because of this, she felt she couldn't tell her parents of her pregnancy, and now, her abortion.
Sandy was angry at herself because she hadn't protected her baby. "Wasn't that what a mother was supposed to do for her child?" Sandy thought. She hadn't stood up to Josh and hadn't stood up for herself, even though she had always wanted to be a mother. Although the circumstances wouldn't have been ideal, still she had thrown that opportunity away. "If only she could go back" Sandy thought. Even now, years later, she still dealt with feelings of guilt, anger, and shame. Once more, she had to find a way to push these memories and feelings away.
Just then, Dave came outside. "Hey, are you okay?" he asked.
"I'm fine" Sandy replied.
"Good, because we have another call. Its for chest pain." Dave said. "Come on, lets go."
Feelings! Yuck!
Overwhelmed. Frustration.
Anger. Irritation. Guilt.
Heaviness. Deep sadness.
Feelings hurt. Go away.
Anger. Irritation. Guilt.
Heaviness. Deep sadness.
Feelings hurt. Go away.
I built up a wall around me.
Its tall and thick for protection.
Keeps out the pain.
Loneliness. Go away;
Love me still? Right!
To love means to use me
In ways that hurt.
Love. Go away.
In ways that hurt.
Love. Go away.
I'm afraid. Afraid to love.
Afraid to be loved.
Afraid to open myself up.
Fear. Go away.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Digging up the Darkness
Digging up the past
The crud that I've buried,
The memories and emotions;
It hurts to remember again.
I know its so very lonely.
But its easier and less painful
To keep it buried deep,
Down where I won't remember.
I've learned how to handle it
Keeping it all away.
Its what is comforting
In a familiar sort of way.
Facing the events of whats happened
Brings up emotions that I've ignored
And memories I'd rather forget
Then to live them again.
The little girl inside would
Rather find a deep, dark corner
In which to hide and to wait
For the pain and feelings to disappear.
For although the darkness is lonely,
It feels safe. In the darkness,
No one sees the guilt and pain
In the little girl's eyes.
In the darkness she can hide
No one will ask questions or
Wonder why she is there.
They don't know it happened.
She was surrounded by people
Who cared, yet no one protected her.
In her deep pain, the darkness
Holds and comforts her.
The crud that I've buried,
The memories and emotions;
It hurts to remember again.
I know its so very lonely.
But its easier and less painful
To keep it buried deep,
Down where I won't remember.
I've learned how to handle it
Keeping it all away.
Its what is comforting
In a familiar sort of way.
Facing the events of whats happened
Brings up emotions that I've ignored
And memories I'd rather forget
Then to live them again.
The little girl inside would
Rather find a deep, dark corner
In which to hide and to wait
For the pain and feelings to disappear.
For although the darkness is lonely,
It feels safe. In the darkness,
No one sees the guilt and pain
In the little girl's eyes.
In the darkness she can hide
No one will ask questions or
Wonder why she is there.
They don't know it happened.
She was surrounded by people
Who cared, yet no one protected her.
In her deep pain, the darkness
Holds and comforts her.
My Teddy Bear
You sit on my pillow
Sometimes I take you along,
But at night in my bed
I hold you very tight.
In your ear I've whispered
My little girl secrets and fears.
I've told you my darkest secrets
That nobody else knows.
After it happens, I lay on my bed
And squeeze you tight.
I'm scared, but can't tell
Anyone except you.
No one can hear me cry,
So I bury my face into you.
You let me cry
And soak up my tears.
I wipe my face;
Take a deep breath;
For I must go out and play
As if nothing happened at all.
Sometimes I take you along,
But at night in my bed
I hold you very tight.
In your ear I've whispered
My little girl secrets and fears.
I've told you my darkest secrets
That nobody else knows.
After it happens, I lay on my bed
And squeeze you tight.
I'm scared, but can't tell
Anyone except you.
No one can hear me cry,
So I bury my face into you.
You let me cry
And soak up my tears.
I wipe my face;
Take a deep breath;
For I must go out and play
As if nothing happened at all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
